I told the LUC this weekend that she is flatly forbidden* to give birth to any sort of messiah. Even a cycling one. I mean, the perks of being the father of the saviour would be awesome, think of all the free wine, but it didn't turn out so well there at the end. Not for the kid anyway.No, I'll settle for a healthy human child, thank you very much.
I felt the baby kick for the first time last week. It was cool and creepy in equal parts. I can only imagine how it feels to be the one being booted in the kidneys. And really, I'm OK with that. No Venus envy here. :)
*OK, I know were not technically married yet so it's a little soon to start issuing spousal orders. Despite that, I've been compiling a list of things she's forbidden to do since we first met.
They include:
-Getting hijacked by terrorists
-Getting eaten by sharks
-Getting abducted by grey aliens
-Getting involved in multi-level marketing
-Jumping off of anything with a malfunctioning parachute/bungee cord or vehicle, motored or otherwise
-Being bitten by any kind of radioactive fauna and developing superpowers (this is more of a preference than an outright ban)
-Giving birth to a messiah
I've also told her that if she dies giving birth I'm going to name the baby Skrotor, regardless of gender. The babe and I will then go on a cross country crime spree in the largest SUV we can steal. The crimes against property, humanity and the environment won't end until we're taken down in a hail of righteous police bullets or until Skrotor becomes old enough to be tried as adult.
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4 comments:
You are a sick, twisted man - I love it.
I'm still reading your post The Cost. It very successfully invokes an emotional response from me though I've yet to figure out what it's about. No, that is not me asking what it's about - give me a few more tries.
Is the shark thing kind of required for antipodeans?
And what's wrong with having a spouse/partner with superpowers?
nathan: thanks! That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me via comments. Actually, I'm pretty ok with you not getting "The Cost". It means, hopefully, that you've never felt that way and that's a good thing. On the other hand it might mean I'm a bad writer. :)
fritz: Yah, the shark thing is a bit of an in joke. You see, apparently most attacks that are attributed to sharks in Australia are actually salt water crocs. And because the LUC insists that Salties only eat tourists she need only fear sharks.
Superpowers? Two words: collateral damage. I'm bad enough at cleaning up after myself, cleaning up after some kind of superbattle would kill me. Mind you, I did say that this was more of preference than any kind of hard and fast rule. :)
Okay, she's safe from the crocs. Would you count as a tourist?
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