I live in fear.
Dramatic statement huh? Verges on the melodramatic even. It's true however. I'm always worrying about something and unfortunately this world contains plenty of real things to worry about.
I had a childhood filled with fear and anxiety. From the neighbour kid who terrorized me to my father the alcoholic, there was little safety in my young world. In a sense I've been programmed to worry.
This is the sort of thing that adults are suppose to "just get over". I've heard that too many times to bother counting. As a grown-up somehow the insecurities are suppose to magically go away. Or so many people imply. Apparently acknowledging them is "whining" and makes you less of man.
Everyone has fears and insecurities, even the most well adjusted of folks. The difference lies in how well you cope with them, and well, sometimes I don't cope at all.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a coward in the strict sense. I've been robbed five times at knife-point and the last time I hit the guy with a piece of pipe and chased him out of the store. The other day at work I spotted a guy who, many years ago, assaulted me. Got convicted of it even. I stepped right up and kicked him out, even though the last time we'd stood eye to eye he had his forearm across my throat and his fist over my face.
And yet I fear. Constantly and systemically.
In music this has led to not trying. I'm not sure what outcome I fear if I really put an effort into it. I'm unlikely to get gunned down in a rap war; the worst that could happen is no one would like it.
This is the nature of the fear. It's illogical and unwarranted. It floats inside my head looking for something to justify it. I can rationally see what's happening but that doesn't help. Emotions are the stronger force, they work at a level that comes before conscious thought.
I wonder if this shows in my playing. In recordings I always feel like I sound tentative. I'm not the most objective observer though, but surely it must be there. It's such a part of me that in one way or another it informs everything else I do.
So once again the theme: "What the hell do I do about this?" and the familiar slapback echo: "Fucked if I know." are the riddim of my life.