Monday, May 25, 2009


I have one really long hair in my right eyebrow.  I mean really long, freaky long, maybe six time the length of my regular eyebrow hairs.  His name is Dennis.  I've been aware of him for a decade now in that vague masculine way:  "Huh, lookit that.  Cool."  After his discovery I never thought about him save when he sat up to take a look around and I had to coax him back into the bushy fold.  Live and let live was my strategy.

My wife and I had been together for a number of years before she notice Dennis.  Her reaction was more like someone discovering proof that the Prime Minister is actually a robot.  Shock, disbelief and an unholy glee that wouldn't let her leave well enough alone.  She badgered me mercilessly. Badgered? Hell, she downright bobcatted me.

"Let me pluck it."
"Come won't hurt."
"As if. No."
"I'll do [insert dirty act of your choice] if you let me."
"Ha.  You'd do that anyway, it's in our marriage contract.  No."
"If you love me you'd let me."
"Hmmmm, let me think about that......NO!"

She's a persistent woman that wife o' mine, but then, I'm pretty stubborn too.  I fended her off for weeks.  Finally she gave up asking and simply rolled over, grabbed Dennis by his head and yanked him out.  "There, isn't that better?"  "Fuck no! And may I say: OW!" Having accomplished the deed that had been upsetting the balance of the the universe by remaining undone she rolled back and slept the sleep of the righteous.  I grumbled and rubbed my throbbing eyebrow and plotted folliclular revenge, knowing full well that I didn't have the guts to carry out any of my schemes.

Dennis grew back as hairs are wont to do.  Maybe not as proud and thick but just as long.  I've been hiding him from my plucky wife like a drunkard living in a Temperance Hall would his bottle.

You see, Dennis is a part of me.  A tiny part to be sure, perhaps even the most insignificant part, but he's unique and he's mine.  One day soon enough I'll be gone.  My child will remember me and perhaps my grand children will too, if I'm lucky enough to have them.  But that'd be about it.  The memory of me, of all the things that made me unique, will eventually fade from this earth and it'll be as if I never existed.  I'll be damned if I'll let Dennis be repeatedly plucked until he grows no more.  I'll not let him or anything else that makes me unique fade one second before it has to.  I'll fight entropy, yes, and time itself if I must because there ain't no afterlife.  Not for the likes of me and Dennis.

I'm perfectly comfortable with this quixotic battle.

Just don't tell my wife, okay?  Thanks.


Ed W said...

You know, I work with a guy who shaved off his eyebrows, and of course, I wrote about it:

An eyebrow is a terrible thing to waste.

Coelecanth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coelecanth said...

Ha! Great story Ed, thanks for that. Eyebrows and mortality, who'da thunk it was a universal theme?

Kate said...

I really like the way you write, just thought I'd leave you a little note before I turned out the lights! :)

Coelecanth said...

Thanks Kate. I very much appreciate that. I do so enjoy writing these things.

Unfortunately I can't just sit down and do it. I have to wait for something to be buzzing in my head for a while before it'll come out. So new content is always going to be thin round these parts.

Kara said...

You're not alone! My husband has a squirrly eyebrow just like that! We've named him Francois.

Ben said...

I like your blog. Very refreshing. I do hope Dennis Jr. is still there. This is George Ben from Israeli Uncensored News